My Role: Doula

Before I even had the chance to start a family of my own, get married, and experience my first pregnancy, I knew I wanted to be a doula. When I witnessed my best friend give birth when we were both nineteen years old, it was the most fantastic thing I had experienced at that point. I was fascinated with birth. It sounds odd when I say this out loud, but I would often watch videos on YouTube of both women and animals giving birth. I didn't know what this passion I felt around birth meant, but It wasn't until I was a little closer to motherhood myself several years later that I understood that these feelings and passions were summed up in one role: Doula!

“A good doula has a servant's heart and finds genuine joy in serving others.”

My love and service to people led me into ministry through a nonprofit, but because my passion for women and their experiences were so evident, one of my church members asked me to be her doula. I was flattered and excited that she would trust me enough to be there for her in this type of way without any "formal training." Once again, I remembered the joy I felt being a support to people. I've always had a servant's heart, wanting to meet people's needs and be a part of making milestones in people's lives memorable. Being a doula allows me to do all of that! A good doula has a servant's heart and finds genuine joy in serving others. After all, that is the definition of a doula: servant. As a doula, I feel it's essential to possess integrity. Your clients may share delicate and personal information with you. They have to know they can trust you and whatever they speak to you stays confidential.

“When money is brought up in any relationship we throw out the authenticity of that relationship.”

I also think it’s important as a doula to be organized and punctual, of course life happens but communication is such a big part of this whole thing. Your client is expecting you to have your side of things in order so that when the time comes (that big moment that you've all been waiting for), you can be at her side when she calls. She needs to know she can count on you.

The business aspect can be a challenge, but honestly, it doesn't have to be. When money is brought up in any relationship we throw out the authenticity of that relationship. We somehow think the two cannot exist. If your not willing to do it for free or give me a discount or how I like to say "the homie hook-up," then you must not care, and you don't want to help. That could not be further from the truth, and I want both client and doula to know this! Money matters can be uncomfortable to bring up. Still, it is vital as a doula to set clear boundaries, make your expectations known up front, and have clear payment agreements. No one wants to feel taken advantage of, we should all be on the same page, and your client should feel like they are getting your best while you feel compensated for your time, talents and wisdom. I always say let's get the business out of the way so that we can get to the fun. For my clients, I want you to feel and experience your investment in me paying off with every text, phone call, meet up, and my care for you as a doula. There should be a sense of security as a client when you've invested in this type of service.

“I made sure to bring her husband coffee, and when he saw me coming with that cup of brew, his whole face lit up, and to him, that was the best thing ever!

If I spend hundreds of dollars to go see Justin Timberlake in concert, Guaranteed I am going to make every effort to be there! When I get free tickets to a basketball game, it will not be my first priority to make sure I am there to see that game if I have the time great, if not ahh,( shoulder shrug) no love lost. The level of investment is different. Please know financial compensation isn't everything! My point is strictly that if you value the role of a doula then make every effort to compensate, show gratitude and appreciation for her service. There are several ways apart from money to show that! And to doulas, if you value yourself/ your role as a doula, then you need to show up; provide excellent care to those who are seeking it from you. The relationship between doula and client should be protected.

A doula can assist in many ways, for everyone of my clients, their needs have been different therefore, the way i doula looks different with each family. A doula provides not only emotional, physical, and informational support to the laboring woman but also her partner. I always like to assure my families that I do not replace their husbands/Partners. Still, instead, I can help facilitate an intimate environment between the two of them that they can both appreciate. A doula thinks of the little things. Food and snacks for a laboring mama and tired daddy who has been up with his partner and forgotten to eat are apart of the gig. One of my clients labored all night and early into the morning. I made sure to bring her husband coffee, and when he saw me coming with that cup of brew, his whole face lit up, and to him, that was the best thing ever! We fill in the gap and create space for the laboring woman. I tend to her most delicate need up to her most demanding one. When the baby is born, all attention turns to the baby. A doula knows to keep her eyes on her still, serving her throughout labor and into early postpartum. Partners also tend to follow the baby, which is natural and protective. They can do that without feeling like they've left their partner alone.

When I became a mom, I needed someone around to answer all of my questions and keep me company. I needed someone to remind me to take it easy on myself and give myself grace and time to learn and settle into my motherhood. Having my sister around those first two weeks to cook and help me with my toddler was the best thing. I am private and territorial, so having the extra help from my sisters was tremendous, and the better part is that they didn't overstay their welcome. Both my husband and I decided to have family only for the first weeks and allow a month to pass before allowing more family to visit, and it worked out perfectly for us. Support is going to look different and vary from family to family. All in all, the role of a doula is sacred, significant, and every family deserves one.

Photo taken by Shelby Blanton Photography, Portland Oregon.

Photo taken by Shelby Blanton Photography, Portland Oregon.

Photo taken by Shelby Blanton Photography, Portland Oregon.

How to set boundaries for you & baby around the holidays.

When I had both of my kids, we were still a long ways out from the holidays, nonetheless I remember those nerve wrecking moments of going around tons of friends and family for the first time with my newborn. At the time (especially with my first) I wasn't sure exactly how to set boundaries and make my needs known to family. I was very protective and territorial instinctively with my baby but I didn't want to seem "mean" by projecting my do's and dont's to every person I came in contact with. It took me a quick second with a few encounters when I knew i had to speak up and say something!

You know your friends and family more than anyone else and you may even currently be receiving messages as you read this saying things like " I cant wait to hold and kiss the baby." oh goodness. Family and friends mean well, they really do but the last thing you want is your baby being passed around like a portable kissing booth with everything going around this time of year. Even when not showing symptoms, infection can be present in the body. It's better to be safe than sorry when you have a little one still developing his immune system.

As hard as it might be; for the sake of your own piece and the health of your baby, you have to set boundaries.

I've put together some tips on how you can do that so you can enjoy the holiday season worry free.

1. POST IT.

There have been a few posts going around about this very thing, the do's and dont's on visiting a new baby and respecting a mother's wishes that first home visit. Find that post and share it! Yes it can be seen as a little passive but who wants to call every relative just to tell them no, they cant kiss the baby, no they cant hold the baby if they show any signs of illness and no your 7 year old daughter or toddler can not take turns holding the baby 🤦🏿‍♀️. It just cant happen. its a hard NO!

2. BABY WEAR.

photo by Mindi Meade Photography

Baby wearing is a great way to keep baby close and not have to explain to a loved one why you dont want to give baby up. Baby is snuggled tight and soundly as he listens and is soothed by the beating of your heart. No one will ask you to unravel your baby, instead they will just gaze like so (🥺) at that beautiful content baby snuggled close to your chest!

3. MAKE SURE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE ON THE SAME PAGE.

Your partner can enforce boundaries and have your back. You have to be on the same page because the reality is, your partner may want to hold the baby as well at some point which is great but I remember the anxiety of: exactly when would hand off baby to my husband, the closest person to him would then reach for the baby. People understand that you are a new mom and that it's not just about the baby being exposed to germs but that your motherly instincts may cause you to want baby close all of the time and thats ok. they may not feel that same way when it comes to your partner. in fact they want to "relieve" him from holding the baby and would feel more comfortable taking the baby from him than they will from you. so have that conversation.

4. BE HONEST.

I always felt i needed an excuse to give on why I didn't want someone to hold my baby. How crazy does that sound? You dont need a reason and if you feel so inclined, you can just be honest and share your reasons on why you have set the boundaries you have. Any loved one should understand.

5. KINDLY SAY "NO".

Its ok to say no, not right now, I want to wait till she is a little older. your main job as a parent is to protect your baby and you should never feel judged or wrong for doing so. You are valid in your feelings, listen to your intuitions. there will be another time and moment but now just isn't it. You may not be ready and that is ok! it took me a good 6 months to even step out for a date night with my first born. I dont regret it one bit.

All of these thing i have personally done and I think anyone is holding a grudge right now because I was stingy with my little baby once upon a time and I hope the same for you!