FOMO from a Cesarean Birth Mama

I had been experiencing some pretty uncomfortable Braxton hicks for the past week now. The nerves and excitement started to set in, and I couldn’t tell at that moment if that was the “real thing” or not, but I soon realized it was. I had just made it home after my 39th-week check-up. My ob-gyn told me I was 3 centimeters, the baby was head down (thank God), and I was about 70 percent effaced. Yay! How exciting it was to feel like I was so close to meeting my baby girl!

It sounds like a pretty standard report from a woman in her last few weeks of pregnancy, right? You go to see your doctor, and although it doesn’t accurately tell you how close or far you are from labor, you anticipate what's next. Just like you looked forward to that next ultrasound, obsessed over your weight gain, the result of that test, you look forward to the changes your body is making to prepare you for labor, right? I assume most women do. I know I did!

I have two beautiful girls. They are vibrant, healthy, and thriving!

That little scenario, in the beginning, you may have assumed was the beginning of my birth experience, but I am sad to inform you it was not and I; still till this day have major FOMO (fear of missing out) about the things I did NOT get to experience. Let me explain.

First photo as A family of three.

Photo taken by Wondering Lamb Photography

I am a c-section mama. I became a c-section mama because before I started having kids, I had fibroids. Five to be exact with the biggest one the size of a baseball. (I’ll save my fibroid story for another time.)

Any-who, my new shiny husband and I were in our first year of marriage when I found out about the fibroids. We talked about starting a family, but I had been dealing with some strange stuff for a while, so I knew I wanted to address that first before we just jumped right in. I was new to Arizona and needed to find a gynecologist to help me remedy these issues I'd been experiencing at that point; for 3-4 years! I truly believe God led me to all of the right people at just the right time because my gyno confirmed that I indeed had fibroids ( the biggest one the size of a baseball) and I needed surgery to remove them, so she referred me to one of the top fertility specialist and surgeons in Arizona, and on top of that, her office was a short 10-minute drive from our house.

I made an appointment with her, and it was suggested I remove the fibroids by getting a laparoscopic myomectomy, which a non-invasive/ outpatient surgery. They make four tiny incisions in your abdomen, insert little robot hands and cut the fibroids into small pieces, and pull them out of one the incisions. Having this surgery (unlike other options at the time) would allow me to keep all of my lady parts and still be able to have children. So early January 2013, I had a laparoscopic myomectomy. Once I fully recovered from surgery, my doctor suggested we start trying with the help of fertility treatments. Although apart from the fibroids, I did not have a "fertility issues," however, my doctor said that fibroids could always return, so it would be wise to start growing our family as soon as possible. Yes, sir, yes, sir! Our doctor basically prescribed "Netflix and chill," so we got to work!

When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I was so excited, but my bubble was soon busted when they told me I had to have a cesarean. I mean… I remembered the doctor telling me shortly after surgery that I would have to have cesareans going forward when I start to have kids. I heard her but, it just didn’t register that it was an absolute and that there wasn’t a doctor in this world that would take a chance on me to have a vaginal birth. You see, because of where my fibroids were located, my doctor made an incision into the top part of my uterine wall. (just like a classical cesarean incision.) Because of that, I know at that point became high risk for uterine rupture, and unlike the cesarean birth, we know today, which is a low horizontal incision into the uterine wall (making it still possible to have a VBAC for some). I am not a viable candidate for a VBAC, and that has been very hard for me to accept. I understand that I have a terrible case of " we always want what we can't have." I know that there are women who would gladly trade their birth stories with mine; however, my story is mine, and your story is yours. I was crushed and truly felt something was robbed from me. I think that is why I am so passionate about what I do now!

I never want another mama to feel robbed!

I never had my cervix checked to tell how dilated I was; there were specific pregnancy books I didn’t even bother to read because well, what’s the point? I never knew the station of my baby, the position of my baby. Never lost my mucus plug and never felt Braxton hicks! It may sound crazy and weird that I wanted to experience all of these. I understand that not everything about birth is pleasant, but it is all beautiful and a reminder of our strength and perseverance. I had no idea if my body was doing all of the things to ready itself for labor. I gave birth at 37 weeks both times via cesarean because of the risk of uterine rupture; my doctor didn’t even want to risk my body going into labor and my delivery, resulting in an emergency cesarean. I get it. I really do. The pros outweighed the cons when it came to getting a cesarean over risking both mine and my baby's life by attempting a vaginal birth, But hey, I still have feelings, and I still have major FOMO from not getting the birth I had always dreamed of before having kids. I didn't even get to try. And i think That is the part that sucks most. I didn't get to try.

Women (of Color) - How to Advocate for Yourself & your Birth.

Unless you’re living under a rock you are probable aware that the U.S Maternal Mortality rate has more than doubled over the last few decades and is continuing to rise.

Recent articles, like this one on “Why Why America’s Black Mothers and Babies Are in a Life-or-Death Crisis” from the New York Times has brought this topic into the spotlight. The focus on this very statistic personally speaks to me being a women of color (FYI: WOC are 3-4 times more likely to die in child birth).

Hearing the numbers behind these horrific statistics one might think to themselves. What is wrong with my body that it may fail me when it comes time for me to give birth? What is it about my body that can’t birth and live?

The answer?

NOTHING!

I want to assure you (and every woman) that It’s not our bodies that are failing us; it’s our maternal healthcare system.

There are philosophical ideas, practices and policies that need to change in order for things to start heading in the right directions but one thing that you can do now to help make a difference is to simply learn how to advocate for yourself. In this light I wanted to give you a few tips on how you can do that to protect your birth choices in spaces that may, by nature, challenge them.

Self advocacy can be broken down Into three areas: knowing yourself, knowing your needs, and knowing how to ask/get what you need.

1. Know what you want and find a provider that will support and protect your wishes for birth.

When you have the right provider for you, you should not have to worry about protecting yourself against their care. In order to pick the right provider, you have to know yourself and your goals of what you want to accomplish. If it’s to have a non medicated birth, then find a provider that will fully support that. If you are looking for birth support, feel free to reach out to any of the women in the PVBB collective on this site for advice. Even if you don’t live in Phoenix, we can help guide you towards resources that will help you pick a great provider that fits with your birth plan. You can also connect with us on Facebook and Instagram for more help.

2. Know that you can always (ALWAYS) find another provider.

If at anytime throughout your pregnancy, your provider all of a sudden starts giving you red flags: Find another provider. We hire providers to care for us throughout pregnancy. They will essentially be the first to touch our babies So if something doesn’t sit right with you, trust your gut, fire them and find a new provider. it’s not too late to switch! Some of our clients come to us at 39, even 40 weeks because they realized the provider they chose was not going to be able to give them the support they wanted. It is NEVER too late to stand up for what you want.

3. Educate yourself & know your rights.

Knowledge is power so whether it be in books, your doula, or a resource like Evidence Based Birth, you can better make decisions and give informed consent when you’ve done some of the legwork in ensuring you are educated on things that may come up. This site is a great place to start. There are so many resources at the tip of your fingers, so let them do the walking. Knowing what your options are will help you feel empowered to make the right choice for you in the heat of the moment.

4. Take someone to your appointments and ask all your questions.

There is something about just having another person in the room that has your back! Having a supportive presence can make all the difference in the level of care you receive. If your partner can’t be present, ask a friend. Or your doula! I personally always offer to accompany my clients to their prenatal appointments if/when they feel they need extra support.

Another great tip is to buy a journal to write down all your doctor related questions in and bring it to each appointment. Sometimes we get nervous in the room and forget a question only to remember it as soon as we get to the car! You can try to avoid that by making your list ahead of time. You can leave your little journal in your purse of by your bed so you always have access to write down a question when it pops up.

5. Ask for more time.

If your provider is suggesting something that doesn’t sit well with you, ask for time to think about it! This allows you to take a breath. Just saying the words - “I need a minute to think about it” can be incredibly empowering. Think, and take away any pressures that might be present so that you can clear your head and decide if these suggestions will meet your needs.

I hope this was a helpful guide in beginning to advocate for yourself. Remember, you are the expert on YOUR body. Equip yourself with the knowledge and the team to help you feel safe and supported.

If you are looking for more support, in my labor prep class we go over comfort and measures for labor, the normal physiological process of birth and the importance of self advocacy! If you want to know more about my class or to register just visit my website at www.pslovommy.com