FOMO from a Cesarean Birth Mama

I had been experiencing some pretty uncomfortable Braxton hicks for the past week now. The nerves and excitement started to set in, and I couldn’t tell at that moment if that was the “real thing” or not, but I soon realized it was. I had just made it home after my 39th-week check-up. My ob-gyn told me I was 3 centimeters, the baby was head down (thank God), and I was about 70 percent effaced. Yay! How exciting it was to feel like I was so close to meeting my baby girl!

It sounds like a pretty standard report from a woman in her last few weeks of pregnancy, right? You go to see your doctor, and although it doesn’t accurately tell you how close or far you are from labor, you anticipate what's next. Just like you looked forward to that next ultrasound, obsessed over your weight gain, the result of that test, you look forward to the changes your body is making to prepare you for labor, right? I assume most women do. I know I did!

I have two beautiful girls. They are vibrant, healthy, and thriving!

That little scenario, in the beginning, you may have assumed was the beginning of my birth experience, but I am sad to inform you it was not and I; still till this day have major FOMO (fear of missing out) about the things I did NOT get to experience. Let me explain.

First photo as A family of three.

Photo taken by Wondering Lamb Photography

I am a c-section mama. I became a c-section mama because before I started having kids, I had fibroids. Five to be exact with the biggest one the size of a baseball. (I’ll save my fibroid story for another time.)

Any-who, my new shiny husband and I were in our first year of marriage when I found out about the fibroids. We talked about starting a family, but I had been dealing with some strange stuff for a while, so I knew I wanted to address that first before we just jumped right in. I was new to Arizona and needed to find a gynecologist to help me remedy these issues I'd been experiencing at that point; for 3-4 years! I truly believe God led me to all of the right people at just the right time because my gyno confirmed that I indeed had fibroids ( the biggest one the size of a baseball) and I needed surgery to remove them, so she referred me to one of the top fertility specialist and surgeons in Arizona, and on top of that, her office was a short 10-minute drive from our house.

I made an appointment with her, and it was suggested I remove the fibroids by getting a laparoscopic myomectomy, which a non-invasive/ outpatient surgery. They make four tiny incisions in your abdomen, insert little robot hands and cut the fibroids into small pieces, and pull them out of one the incisions. Having this surgery (unlike other options at the time) would allow me to keep all of my lady parts and still be able to have children. So early January 2013, I had a laparoscopic myomectomy. Once I fully recovered from surgery, my doctor suggested we start trying with the help of fertility treatments. Although apart from the fibroids, I did not have a "fertility issues," however, my doctor said that fibroids could always return, so it would be wise to start growing our family as soon as possible. Yes, sir, yes, sir! Our doctor basically prescribed "Netflix and chill," so we got to work!

When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I was so excited, but my bubble was soon busted when they told me I had to have a cesarean. I mean… I remembered the doctor telling me shortly after surgery that I would have to have cesareans going forward when I start to have kids. I heard her but, it just didn’t register that it was an absolute and that there wasn’t a doctor in this world that would take a chance on me to have a vaginal birth. You see, because of where my fibroids were located, my doctor made an incision into the top part of my uterine wall. (just like a classical cesarean incision.) Because of that, I know at that point became high risk for uterine rupture, and unlike the cesarean birth, we know today, which is a low horizontal incision into the uterine wall (making it still possible to have a VBAC for some). I am not a viable candidate for a VBAC, and that has been very hard for me to accept. I understand that I have a terrible case of " we always want what we can't have." I know that there are women who would gladly trade their birth stories with mine; however, my story is mine, and your story is yours. I was crushed and truly felt something was robbed from me. I think that is why I am so passionate about what I do now!

I never want another mama to feel robbed!

I never had my cervix checked to tell how dilated I was; there were specific pregnancy books I didn’t even bother to read because well, what’s the point? I never knew the station of my baby, the position of my baby. Never lost my mucus plug and never felt Braxton hicks! It may sound crazy and weird that I wanted to experience all of these. I understand that not everything about birth is pleasant, but it is all beautiful and a reminder of our strength and perseverance. I had no idea if my body was doing all of the things to ready itself for labor. I gave birth at 37 weeks both times via cesarean because of the risk of uterine rupture; my doctor didn’t even want to risk my body going into labor and my delivery, resulting in an emergency cesarean. I get it. I really do. The pros outweighed the cons when it came to getting a cesarean over risking both mine and my baby's life by attempting a vaginal birth, But hey, I still have feelings, and I still have major FOMO from not getting the birth I had always dreamed of before having kids. I didn't even get to try. And i think That is the part that sucks most. I didn't get to try.